Creating art is easy. It is the letting go part that’s difficult …
I don’t necessarily consider myself an insecure person. Normally, I don’t care what people think about me. I’ve never struggled with peer pressure. If I believe I should do something, I do it. That has been the case with ‘Reparando’. Over two and a half years ago, I believed this was something I should do. So, I committed to see this project to completion. It was hard work, like climbing a mountain at times … but all in all, not overwhelming. I just focused on the goal and kept moving forward one step at a time. However, now that I have reached that goal, I find myself feeling strangely defenseless, like I climbed a mountain and now I am standing on top naked for everyone to see. I have been asking myself why, because I thought I was pretty confident.
A couple weeks ago, about 30 minutes after Amelia and I put our sons to bed, Micah came downstairs crying hysterically. We were able to calm him down enough to ask what happened. Evidently, some kids were playing outside his bedroom and he opened the window to say hello. I won’t go into the fact that he should have been sleeping … that is another story. Long story short, these kids said some mean things and hurt Micah’s feelings. Wow … This was a new emotion for Amelia and me. We were both distraught over the whole ordeal. Someone hurt our son and we didn’t like it. We could hardly sleep that night.
I don’t share this story as an attempt to be even more naked on a mountain. I share it because it helps me realize why I feel the way I do about ‘Reparando’. Art is a product, of it’s creator, much like a child is a product of their parent. I can raise Micah with love and support, mold him into a way that I believe is best, but at some point, I will have to let him go into the world. I will have to trust that Micah’s life has a purpose outside of my hands. Some people won’t embrace Micah, or his purpose, but I will still have to let him go. The same holds true for ‘Reparando’. I have thoroughly enjoyed molding ‘Reparando’ into what it is. I’m creative and love to create, but now it is time to let go.
We were accepted into Grand Rapid’s Film Festival right about the time we shipped the final product to replication and I was feeling pretty good about our ‘baby’. But shortly after, I learned that ‘Reparando’ wasn’t accepted into a couple other festivals. I immediately began to feel like that previously mentioned naked mountain climber. I began to question the time and energy I spent producing this project. Suddenly, I was insecure.
I shared my heart with a close friend who reminded why I did what I did … why I spent two and a half years producing this documentary. I didn’t do it to win an award. I didn’t do it to make money for myself. I did it because I had to. I had to respond. I believed it was the right thing to do. Right after our conversation, I received an email notifying our acceptance into the Kansas International FIlm Festival. We’ve entered about 25 film festivals so far and are batting .500 for the 4 who have made decisions. 50/50 … not so bad when I think about it. But I don’t want to think about it too much. That is what made me insecure in the first place.
I know this: We’re sharing a powerful story about Guatemala and it’s people that needs to be heard. Despite my own imperfections, I trust that it has a purpose outside of my hands and that it will connect with those who God intends. I can be secure in that.
And some day … I will watch this work of art with my Guatemalan sons. That is worth more to me than any award I could ever imagine.
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